The Strawberry and Chocolate Club

“And I forgive you”

No sooner did the words escape his lips that he sprouted two wings, a halo shown around his head, and he could feel a divine aura about himself.

Believable? 

Debatable.

To err is human; to forgive, divine.

But is forgiveness really that divine? 

Does forgiving someone make you feel good about yourself? Or is that the sole reason: feeling good about yourself?

Is forgiveness easy?

Unfortunately, it never is. 

Why? 

Because even when one says that they have forgiven someone, there is still a lingering doubt; in the mind of the forgiver and the forgiven. 

Divine Intervention

Think of the time you first felt mad at someone when they wronged you.

Forgiving them seemed next to impossible. When they tried to make amends, you did not want to listen to it.

You thwarted all their apologies, didn’t want to even see them. 

It is obvious. 

Normal.

If you were ever in a messy breakup, you would relate to the following:
Have you forgiven your ex? Could you bring yourself to look beyond the mistakes they committed and absolved them of guilt?

Don’t you sometimes think about the reason of your break-up and find yourself hating that person even when they are no longer in your life? 

Or remember that best friend you no longer talk to?

Or the friend you talk to but can’t seem to forgive for something which they did in the past?

And what exactly is forgiveness?

I think it is an elusive thing, like happiness. The more you contemplate about it, the further it flies away.

It has more to do with you, than with the person you seem to be forgiving.

When tragedy strikes, the people around you say “Forgive and forget”; but isn’t that a decision you need to make?

People need to understand that everyone takes their own time to heal and forgive.

Personally, I think people never actually forgive other people. They just reach an impasse, where it doesn’t matter anymore. 

And you may feel at ease with yourself. The driving word being “may”.

Forgiveness is a word people use so that the other person stops pestering them to stop being angry.

Anger stems from betrayal.
People hold on to anger and hold it close, never wanting to lose it lest it makes them vulnerable.

We view vulnerability and forgiveness as sisters; once you are vulnerable, we think it’ll weaken us. And it will lead us to forgive.
And it is true. 

But holding on to anger is not the solution.

Because after a time, it is taxing to hold on to anger.

Let go of the anger, it is doing you no good. Forgiving is in your hands.

Forget. Forget?

Forgetting is equally challenging. 

Time is a great eraser of sorrow; the hurt might reduce over time.

Maybe you don’t attribute the other person with your sorrow. But the pain is still there, beckoning to you where you are unaware.

But do you forget?
Doesn’t it sting like salt on a fresh wound every time you remember it or get reminded of it? Even if the wound goes away with time and space, the scars of betrayal remain freshly engraved on your mind and soul.

Hurt gives rise to apathy; when your heart goes over to apathy, you no longer care about what happens to that other person.

And you move on.

Funnily enough, a lot of people confuse moving on with forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the ability to show clemency, to show pity on the person who wronged you. 

Moving on is a process where the other person doesn’t matter anymore.

Yes, both the things require strength on your part. And they require thinking about the person who matters most: you.
Moving on is a phase in the journey of forgiveness.

So, Can You Forgive Me?

We have been imbibed with this notion that forgiving is such a beautiful thing, it has become a part of social convention. But, inadvertently, it has become a means for societal coercion. 

We have been ingrained with the thought of forgiveness being this colossal entity that makes us the bigger or better person. And if you can’t, you are a horrible person!

It is ironical because some people forgive others just to be petty; to show that one can be the better person, that they weigh more in the balance. They think of forgiveness as a competition to express their magnanimity.

Coming back to feeling good about ourselves; selfishness is what has kept humans alive for so long. Anything which seems to make one feel superior than a fellow human is sure to make one feel privileged.

Forgiveness, over time, has come under the same umbrella.

Forgiveness is not about being the better person or even being a good person. It’s whether you feel comfortable in pardoning what you felt was wrong.

People make it into this magical thing, a feeling which whooshes past you and will instantaneously make you a more compassionate person.

This notion of “being good” and “divinity” that has been attached to forgiveness is what makes us question ourselves whether we do not seem to be able to forgive someone.

Forgiveness is not a means to establish your dominance on others. You either feel it or you don’t.

Some people are lucky, they do feel forgiveness; others don’t. 

And you know what? It doesn’t matter!

I believe it varies from person to person; some find it easy; some find it difficult. 

If you can’t seem to forgive someone, it is okay. No one should force you to do so, because it is your axe to grind.

“Forgive but don’t forget.”

That seems like a better option. 

Yes.

But “Don’t forgive and don’t forget” is also as essential lesson, because at times people shouldn’t be forgiven. And that power lies with you, no matter what someone else says.

Forgiveness is not something you bestow upon people; it comes organically, it is a gift you give yourself, not to the other person.

Do you have a Second?

If you don’t forgive someone, you shouldn’t feel bad about it. You don’t need to justify yourself to others.

You can forgive someone and yet not go back into a relationship with them. 

A genuine apology can be surely differentiated from a fake one; if you believe the other person’s repentance is true and sincere, forgive.

But if you keep forgiving someone and they keep hurting you, does forgiveness hold true? Will it be as pragmatic if they use your forgiveness as a means to play with you and your feelings?

Second chances do not necessarily come from forgiveness. 

Everyone deserves a second chance but remember to keep a few chances hidden away. You will require them later on.

Or you might not forgive someone and continue to be friends. It is a matter of personal choice; a predilection only you can have.

Forgiveness takes time; you wouldn’t just wake up one day and find yourself to be the most benevolent person on earth. Nor does the pain mystically subside one morning. 

Most importantly, you won’t wake up feeling wonderful just because you have shown pity on someone.

What about the other way around?
It is imperative to understand that it is the same when you are on the other end of the spectrum. Respect the other person’s choice of not forgiving you. 

It is their choice; do everything that is in your power to repent for your sorrows and ask for clemency. But if it doesn’t happen, let it be. Don’t try to coerce them or force your need for feeling good on them.

If you decide to forgive someone, it is a continuous process. A process where you need to accept yourself first, much before you start thinking about the other person and their mistakes.

Yes, you might find yourself forgiving someone after a long time; maybe a force in the universe which propels you to understand the wrongs from someone else’s perspective.

What we need to remember is that it is our heart letting go of the hurt we carry.

And perhaps in the long run, let us not attribute superfluous divinity to it.